Why Don’t I Feel Good Enough

I felt my rage.

We were halfway through our walk, and there it was, my breath gone, my muscles pulled tight.

I am thinking: Why am I still friends with this person?

By the time we hug goodbye, I am already rehearsing the call to my partner. Everything my friend said. How superior she is. How ungrateful. I have the whole story ready, wrapped tight and righteous.

And then something stops me.

She is my mirror.

Damn it.

I have this feeling in so many places in my life. My partner. The colleague at work who got all the credit. The boss I wanted to spit on.

This is now a regular practice for me. So I looked inward.

What is she doing that I do to myself?

I searched through the obvious ones first. Inferior. Inadequate. Worthless.

I felt them, but they didn't quite sting.

And then I found it.

Mediocre.

It was like being kicked in the gut. Like swallowing something I couldn't get back down.

Suddenly, I could see it all. The designer brands I bought when I couldn't afford them. The first-class seat. Paying to skip the line.

I had built a whole grading system in my mind. Above the line. Below the line. Special or not.

And every time my friend shared something she was proud of, I ran it through the system and came out on the wrong side.

What a small world I created.

When the grading system dropped, I just got to be myself again.

It amazes me how often life hides these discoveries inside other people.

We think we're looking at them.

Somehow, we're always looking at ourselves.

With a few deep breaths and a laugh at myself, because what else can you do, I forgave us both. Not out loud. Not in a conversation she was part of. In my own private universe, where the real work always happens.

I silently thanked her for being generous enough to show me what I couldn't see on my own.

The next time we walked together, she mentioned the same accomplishments.

I noticed them land differently in me.

No sting.

No grade.

Just her, sharing her life.

And me, relaxed enough to enjoy it.

The mirror hadn't changed.

I had.

If you want to understand what to do with the feeling while you're still inside it, I wrote about that here. How to Be With Emotions.

If there is someone you are challenged by and want to return to peace with, let's have a conversation.