Relax and Open Up

I feel the pressure on my chest.

It reminds me of when I was little, and my brother would sit on me, and I couldn't breathe.

Yesterday, within thirty minutes, I received calls from two family members about their health crises and upcoming surgeries. In that moment, two people I love needed me.

Two people I love.

Two people I will sit with and support.

My daughter's fear and my partner's quiet stoicism, I will be present with. I will go to the appointments, hold hands, make food, and keep my feelings numb as I do.

These two did this dance with me two years ago.

My daughter had jaw surgery and an infection. Four weeks later, my partner had his first heart procedure. In the middle of it all, my intestines were twisted and braided into a challah loaf.

At that time, my intestines were twisted and braided into a challah loaf.

I was just beginning to unwind from that experience when I had to go back in.

I told one friend what was happening.

She asked me what I needed.

I didn't know.

The numbness allows me to put on my caretaker uniform, put my needs aside, and assume the role. It also helps me shut down from friends and go inward like a snail into its shell.

I shut down from friends and go inward like a snail into its shell.

I don’t answer phone calls.

I cancel plans.

I ignore texts.

I can't hold one more person's feelings, one more story, one more request.

I look through my Rolodex of spiritual practices to see what will help me get through this. First: Remember, I am Christ Consciousness.

Remember, I am Christ Consciousness.

Nope.

Open up and accept what I feel.

Nope.

Become the neutral observer.

Not a bone of neutrality in me.

Breathe into the discomfort.

My breath is too tight.

Relax and open up.

Bingo.

I have been relaxing every day for the past six months through my work with Sarah McCrum.

When I said those words—relax and open up—I noticed my shoulders soften and my breath drop.

Naturally.

Nothing about the situation changed.

The surgeries were still coming.

The fear was still there.

But my body remembered something.

This is why I am grateful for the work I do and who I have become.

I showed up for myself every day and developed my capacity to relax.

Not because life became easier.

Because life didn't.

Capacity is built before I need it.

And now, when I need it most, it is here to support me so I can support others more effectively.

When my friend asks me what I need, I will relax and open up. Then I will listen for the answer.

And then I will listen for the answer.