Not Knowing as an Ally
There was a time when “not knowing” would send me into a panic. I’d spin like a top, looking for certainty, calling people, reaching for reassurance. But lately, I’ve been learning to stand still in the swirl—to let not knowing walk beside me.
I felt overwhelmed yesterday by the riots in Los Angeles. At the same time, I was driving my daughter-in-law and son to San Francisco for her immigration appointment.
Four years ago, during the COVID-19 pandemic, they were married over Zoom in my home. I’ve watched them build a beautiful life together—find work, adopt a dog, create a home. As we drove, I could feel my fear rising. I didn’t know what was going to happen in her interview.
Not knowing is wild, magical, and expansive—until it isn’t. And yesterday, it wasn’t. When someone I love could be deported, not knowing is not romantic. It’s raw.
But I didn’t act out of that fear. I was present with it. Like a parent with a small child, I stood with my fear and held its hand.
We drove in. We talked and laughed. We even had time to share a small quiche and a glass of iced tea. I walked them to the door, hugged them goodbye, and went to my car. As I waited, I got some work done. Then I wandered through San Francisco, admiring the buildings.
Years ago, I would’ve been spiraling. My mind would’ve run through every scenario. I would’ve made calls, trying to fix something unfixable. But over time, I’ve learned this: life, by its nature, is uncertain. And I have everything I need inside me to meet whatever comes.
“Fear is always the symptom of a mind that has stopped trusting in the infinite source of wisdom inside.”
That line has stayed with me. It reminds me that not knowing is not a threat. It’s a gateway. It’s in the pause, the space of uncertainty, where wisdom has room to rise.
Not knowing is my ally now. It helps me listen. It softens my grip. It reminds me I am not alone—and never have been.
And I’m happy to share: my daughter-in-law has become a U.S. citizen. That day of uncertainty gave way to a new chapter of belonging and celebration.
If you’re in a season of not knowing about your work, your worth, your future, know this: wisdom is in you, too. And it will rise.
